"Fullness is not about being perfect, but being able to embrace fragility as an integral part of life." – Parker J. Palmer

Being fully human means embracing all weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and fragilities. Humans are created by God within limitations and boundaries. We must accept God's decree on humanity with all our being, that is, body and soul, blood and flesh. As humans, we are limited by natural laws and the laws of physics. Our bodily systems are governed by God's decrees. Humans need oxygen, food, drink, and rest. Humans will get hurt if injured. Humans can cry and lament when sad. And, humans need each other. We are designed as social creatures who need each other, not solitary beings. Therefore, we must turn away from the paradigm of being strong and independent and start having a paradigm of being fragile and depending on others.

Indirectly, whether it comes from movies, comics, or from the general world concept, we often have the view that the perfect and ideal human figure is like a superhero. They are strong, independent, and capable of doing many things alone, as if they are perfect and their weaknesses are hard to find. They do not cry, do not tire, and are invulnerable. Unconsciously, we also get carried away with the world's thinking that being an ideal human means being strong, invulnerable, and not weak. Strong means being number one because the weak will be sidelined and ignored.

On the other hand, the world also teaches that life is tough. So, we must be strong if we do not want to be oppressed. This is a paradigm that highly regards strength and power. Even since elementary school, our life values have been indirectly categorized based on intelligence, ranking, achievements, and obtained grades. If smart, we can enter the top ten, and those not included are average or dumb. A valuable human life is only judged according to intelligence that is reduced to mere numbers. This will become something impersonal. The essence of humanity is then determined based on intelligence, strength, and prowess. Humans are categorized in the spectrum of prodigy, genius, smart, average, dumb, idiot, or distinguished as strong and weak, talented and untalented. This causes a hierarchy or classification in viewing humans. Humans race to reach the top of the pyramid because the higher one's position in the pyramid, the greater their access to power and control over others. Humans also compete and elbow each other, thus the law of survival of the smartest and survival of the strongest prevails. We then ignore love and human values, even towards ourselves. We cannot accept the uniqueness of our peers as they are, without regard to intelligence, strength, beauty, and whatever becomes the world's standard of perfection.

With this strong-weak or smart-dumb dichotomy, we tend to focus only on the standard ideal type of human, the things that are considered to meet the criteria for human fullness. However, this paradigm is truly impersonal and inhumane. Those who are weak, disabled, less intelligent, and less talented will be marginalized and become the marginalized. Love is not possible in a paradigm of power, competition, and such a pyramid.

In their strength, power, and prowess, humans often distance themselves from others. Conversely, when in the fragility and weakness of life, we can share in our most authentic humanity. When the world has a paradigm focused on worldly perfection, let's realize that we are indeed vulnerable, fragile, and need each other.
In this context, my contemplation on the humanity of Jesus Christ makes me understand that Jesus also shared in human weakness and vulnerability. He could feel hunger, thirst, fatigue, sadness, helplessness, sickness, suffering, etc... (although uniquely, He was sinless). These are human things that cannot be denied in His existence as a human. Like the Lord Jesus, we too need to accept all the weaknesses and fragilities we have. When we want to be someone super strong, invulnerable, and not fragile, we will not be humane.

In the previous section, I have shared stories about times when I listened to complaints from several people struggling with their mental illnesses. One of them we'll call Diana (not her real name). Diana struggles with bipolar disorder. This illness brought tragedy into her life, even leading to a divorce from her partner. That was certainly very painful. On one hand, with the bipolar disorder she suffers, Diana has to take psychiatric medications. The illness and side effects from the medications made her unproductive and often feeling weak. Diana complained that she often felt lethargic and sleepy. She also struggled to accept herself, becoming heavier due to the medication. On the other hand, worries about living sufficiently often haunted her. She had to fight to provide for herself and her child, in addition to battling her illness. Her life struggle was not easy.

Many mental health sufferers have struggles like Diana, battling to accept their conditions. They find it difficult to accept themselves and be at peace with who they are. Often, they face internal conflicts and anxiety when confronted with their own weaknesses. I understand because I have experienced the same. It is difficult to accept the reality that we are weak and ill. However, when we continuously fail to accept reality and instead try to fight it, the burden and pressure feel even greater.

When internal conflicts make problems bigger, we find it hard to be thankful and feel complete. Conversely, trying to learn to accept and be at peace with oneself can give us the great strength needed to face life's realities. Therefore, we truly need to accept that we are weak, fragile, and always in need of God's grace alone.

Those who cannot accept themselves, even hating themselves, may end up committing suicide. The inability of mental illness sufferers to accept and be at peace with themselves can lead to internal conflict, which may drive them to suicide. This happened to Rick Warren's son, the author of the famous book "The Purpose Driven Life". His son Matthew Warren struggled with bipolar disorder and ultimately took his own life. I do not know the exact story and struggles in detail, but I feel that my own struggle with mental illness is also not easy. Some time later, I also heard a similar story about a famous American actor, Robin Williams. He too suffered from bipolar disorder and died by suicide. It is truly tragic. It is a painful life reality when someone has to have conflict with themselves.

When reflecting on life, we need to realize that the life God has given us is a gift that we must appreciate. In this life filled with joys and sorrows, we must have eyes that can see the good in this world. Indeed, there are many beautiful things that exist and happen in this world. Let's not focus only on suffering so that we blind ourselves to the presence of hope. We must learn to have hope that everything will work out for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28). The Bible says He makes everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). That's why we need to be at peace with ourselves and accept all our weaknesses and fragility as human beings.

Living a vulnerable and fragile life does not mean that we compromise with our sins and mistakes. Instead, it is about accepting all weaknesses and the human frailty that God has given us. This understanding is implied in the following prayer:

Lord, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

In this prayer, we ask for serenity. What we truly need is a calm heart to bravely change the things we can, as well as serenity to accept all weaknesses, vulnerabilities, frailties, and shortcomings that we cannot change. This is what we need. Accepting weakness is not easy. It is painful, but it will heal in time.

From my experience grappling with mental illness, there were times when I was completely bedridden, unable to do anything, and unproductive. I could only rest and sleep in bed. The tranquilizers worked so strongly that they left me lying passively in bed, staring at the ceiling, sometimes for months at a time. If we hold the narrow view that humans only have meaning if they can work and produce, I would feel meaningless. However, from a perspective of vulnerable and fragile humanity, I believe all these experiences have meaning. Lying in bed, I realized I am nothing. I am weak and dependent on God's grace, on the medical treatment I receive, on the food prepared for me. I truly felt my life was frail and dependent.

Modern humans have myths about independence and self-reliance, as if they can meet their own needs. Yet, if we are honest, even in the womb we depend on our mothers. After birth, we need parents to care for and nurture us. Throughout schooling, from kindergarten to high school and even college, we rely on parents for financial and life guidance. Then, we say only children depend on parents. Adults don't depend on others because they can provide for themselves. However, Jesus said something interesting about children:
"People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.' And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them." (Mark 10:13-16)

Jesus meant that whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. "Like a child" here doesn't mean to be childish, but to have the heart of a child, who trusts and depends fully on their parents.

Before God, we need to be like children who depend on Him. In our relationships with others, we also depend on each other. When someone is elderly, they become like children again, dependent on others for life's necessities. As we approach death, we must lie down and passively depend on the kindness of those around us. We must remember that human nature requires interdependence because we are all vulnerable and fragile. We are indeed poor creations dependent on God's grace. Blessed are we when we realize we are poor before God because we will have the Kingdom of Heaven. This realization enables us to depend on God like children.

As humans, we also often have great anxieties. When worried, the needs and difficulties of life seem more real than the presence of God. Unconsciously, we think that although God created us, He is far away when it comes to sustaining our lives. Yet, God is close to us and accompanies us. Jesus Christ, the Son of God who became human and understands human difficulties, advised his disciples not to worry.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:25-27)

The Lord Jesus provides us with a way out concerning these worries. He promised that when we seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, all these things will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). This promise means that God will always take care of our lives as we live out our calling in the Kingdom of God in this world. It also means that this world is not in a closed system, where God cannot intervene in human life. On the contrary, God is always involved in the act of caring for His children in this world. God is always with His people and will not leave them. The Book of Hebrews gives this advice clearly:
"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said: 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5)

When I had to lie down and depend only on God’s grace, I contemplated a lot about the meaning of life. I realized, or rather was made to realize, that the meaning of our life is not judged by what we produce or do (what we do or act). The meaning of our life lies in our existence as ones loved by God (who am I as a beloved one) and in what Jesus Christ has done for us.

Initially, I was very anxious when I had to evaluate myself by what I did or produced. My identity was then determined by what I worked on and what I produced, that is, in my profession and the money that came from it. I became anxious if I did not become the ideal person in modern standards, that is, productive, efficient, high-yielding, and strong. Yet, the ideal type of person is an analogy of a productive and efficient robot. It was only by God's grace that I then began to accept the reality that when I could not do anything and was only able to be still before God, it was not in vain. Because, by being still, I became more aware that I am accepted and loved by God. In being still, I acknowledge that He is the ruler of my life.

With the position of accepting oneself, making peace with oneself, and being calm before God, I could also hear His voice and was given the strength to do what He asked me to do. I came to realize that I am a blessed person with my existence, where I can be brought into a soothing atmosphere to be still, calm, and hear His voice.

From that reflection, this book was created. In the end, I was enabled to thank God for being allowed to have the experience of struggling with mental illness for 17 years. Through that struggle, I could realize my calling, which is to live out my vulnerable and fragile humanity in His grace, to hear His voice in silence, and to carry out the responsibilities He gives in everyday life according to the measure He sets. Sometimes, when I am healthier and able to do more activities, I am given more responsibilities. However, when I am weak, I believe that I am being given time to be calm, to be still and lean on the sovereign God who governs this universe.

It is God's grace that enabled me to go through many valleys of the shadow of death and darkness while struggling with mental disorders. It is also God's grace that gave me the strength to complete my theological studies in 2014. This journey in theological school has been a long journey that I have been wrestling with since 1998. The grace of the past has truly become the foundation of a solid hope that in the future there will also be grace that will continue to accompany me and my family.