In this section, I would like to share the insights and reflections I have gained from the Word of God regarding my continual struggle with the suffering caused by mental disorder.

I contemplated the meaning of life when I experienced this mental disorder struggle. How can I, as a person with a mental disorder, have a meaningful and useful life in this world? How can I be a blessing to God and others? The reality I have to face is that I have a weakness that makes me less functional in the general human view. I was once sad and struggled, why did this happen? I once felt that my existence was meaningless. That happened because I saw my condition through my own eyes and the eyes of the world. I should have seen everything from the way God views all this. In this context, I then received a blessing from a Bible story. Let us reflect together on the following John 9.

"One day, Lord Jesus was walking with His disciples. As Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind. Then His disciples asked Jesus, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, so that he was born blind?'” The disciples asked the Lord Jesus why there was someone who suffered such suffering in the world. They suspected that suffering from illness was the result of sin. Then Jesus answered, 'Neither he nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.' Here the Lord Jesus wanted to say that the suffering of the blind man did not occur because of his sins, but so that the work of God could be revealed in him.

From this part, I learned something. According to the world's perspective, a blind person is someone who is low and useless. Moreover, in this modern era, when someone will only be considered successful if they are smart, wealthy, and healthy. In the worldly view, this blind beggar is not a successful person. However, the Lord does not see it that way.
Then, Lord Jesus "spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes and said to him, 'Go, wash in the Pool of Siloam.'" The blind man obeyed the command of Lord Jesus and went to wash himself in the Pool of Siloam. Then he came back able to see.

The story from this Word means that God worked within the blind man so that his life became a testimony and a channel of blessing. The life of the blind man became a testimony to many people, even to us today, that God was compassionate to him. Moreover, God's love was not only in healing his blind eyes but more importantly in the salvation of the man's soul. The healed blind man also bravely testified before the Pharisees and the crowd to defend Jesus Christ. His life became a testimony that God's grace is indeed real to him. From here we learn that the meaning of a person's life does not come from himself but from God who gives meaning.

Let's return to the reflection on my life struggle.

I believe that my life and the lives of those who suffer from mental disorders who believe in Christ can be a blessing for the glory of the Lord's name if we live in the Lord. As I mentioned earlier, the life of the believer is called to glorify the Lord's name, to be a witness to God's work within us, and to testify to God's love for sinners.
On the other hand, I have also struggled with my weakness in terms of mental disorder and with my sins. Can my life be meaningful and useful to God? I was also comforted through the Word of God from the book of Jeremiah chapter 18, which reads:

"The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying: 'Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words.' Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make. Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?' says the LORD. 'Look, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel!'” (Jeremiah 18:1-6).

This message is directed to the sinful nation of Israel, likened to a broken vessel. The Bible depicts God as the potter and His people as the clay vessels. The potter's lesson is that God can reshape a broken vessel into another good one in His eyes. Likewise, I believe that my life in Christ can be reformed by God into the vessel He desires.

There is more to ponder from my struggles with the mental disorder I have, especially regarding my future. I have grappled with how I can sustain myself. How can I live sufficiently? I am certainly aware that the cost of living nowadays is quite high. On the other hand, I also need to take expensive medicine. So, what will my life be when my parents are gone? What about my future? How can I continue to live in this world? These thoughts then lead to worry within me. However, from Matthew 6, I learned as follows:

"Therefore, I say to you: Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; nor about your body, what you will wear. Isn't life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Who of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:25-34)

This word provides hope that the lives of God's children should never be gripped by worry. This word also strengthens my faith to believe that God will provide for my needs. And, this also becomes a guarantee for us all.
"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19).

Therefore, in the Lord, I dare to say: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." (Psalms 23:1). Because the Lord is the shepherd who takes care of my life, I shall not be in want. In addition, I also learn to have faith from the following Bible verses:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

"Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." (Psalms 37:3-6)

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Thus is the reflection of my life up to the year 2005.