I want to give thanks to God who has allowed me to have the experience I wish to share on this occasion. This experience has tested me to continue hoping and being patient in the face of life. I hope that friends who read this and are struggling will gain strength from this testimony.

After a year at the Reformed Institute, I took an academic leave. I asked permission from Rev. Stephen Tong to study in Sydney, which he allowed as long as I took good care of my life.
In 1999, I went to Australia to study. At that time, I often suffered from nausea due to depression, especially during the winter. Then, what troubled me was not just depression, but also sinusitis problems. I only learned about this in 2003, after finding out that I had previously undergone surgery to remove nasal polyps. This was causing me frequent breathing difficulties due to a blocked nose. While in Australia, my poor mental condition often made me dizzy and unwell. Meanwhile, sinusitis also made it difficult for me to breathe. Imagine how you would feel if you had to deal with emotional problems, headaches, and breathlessness all at once. And I experienced this for years.

Actually, I did seek medical treatment. I had been treated for sinusitis, and the doctor had given me allergy spray. After using the spray, I could breathe more easily, although I still felt tightness -- perhaps due to an unmet oxygen need. That's why I often breathed through my mouth, which is very uncomfortable during the winter with the very cold air. The headaches I then felt also made things worse. However, since not everyone has the same experiences and conditions, it's hard for me to describe what I had to go through.

The struggle in Australia to complete my undergraduate degree was also not easy. Often, I couldn't stand it and wanted to return to Indonesia because of worsening mental health. But my mother always gave me strength and let me fight. She really is a good mother who loves me. One of the hardest experiences in completing my studies occurred in the final year when I had to do a group assignment. At that time, my mental condition made it difficult for me to concentrate. I appeared incompetent in group tasks, where each group member could evaluate me, which I also did to other group members. Thank God, at that time my friends understood my condition after I explained the struggles I had. They did not give me a bad grade. Previously, my professor had said that I would only get a 2 out of 10. He said that because I was deemed incompetent in answering questions due to my inability to concentrate. At that time, of course, I was very afraid of the possibility of not passing. Thankfully, I was able to graduate, which happened solely by the grace of God. At the end of 2002, I returned to Indonesia.

Once back in Indonesia, I could vomit up to 9-10 times a day due to dizziness and nausea. This was in addition to sinus problems, which made it difficult for me to breathe. This experience was far more unpleasant than before. However, thank God, there was no winter that seriously disturbed my breathing.

Physical and mental struggles continued to occur in turn. After my return from SAAT, I went through a dark period again. My physical condition was constantly disturbed with dizziness, nausea, and inability to breathe, not to mention the conditions of depression and empty emotions I also experienced. Finally, I started taking psychiatric medications again and sought to find out the cause of my physical illness. I then underwent MRI Scanning. From there, a positive clue was found that I suffered from sinusitis, where there was a lot of pus settled in my cheek area. I had to undergo surgery. The experience of the surgery itself was not comfortable because with only local anesthesia, I could feel the pain of the jaw being drilled from the inside. After the surgery, I still had to endure pain and dizziness for a while, so I had to take painkillers. That certainly was not a pleasant experience.

A few months after the surgery, the sinusitis reappeared. My cheek was again filled with pus. Oh no! A second surgery had to be done. Oh, I felt so weak. However, the core cause of the sinusitis had still not been found. I then also had to go to an allergy clinic because it was said to be due to allergies. I then underwent outpatient treatment for several months, but without progress.

However, God made a way. I then met a kind ENT (Ear, Nose, and  Throat)  doctor. He diagnosed that my nose was crooked and needed surgery. Finally, my nose was operated on, the bones were straightened, and the polyps were removed by laser. Praise the Lord, the suffering of difficulty breathing due to sinusitis since 1999 was finally resolved. In 2003, I was finally able to breathe again after treatment from that ENT doctor.

Nevertheless, I still struggle with the depression I experience. Ideally, I would like to immediately reduce medication and become healthy. However, I am taught to be patient. There needs to be a change in spiritual cultivation by reading the word to produce long-term thought changes that I need to experience. Faith is needed to fight depression. Everything has its time.

Is life suffering? Yes! However, we must still hope and be patient. Nothing happens instantly. Everything has its time and season. Our God works at the right time. Therefore, my brothers and sisters in Christ, let us entrust our lives to the care of the Lord, by continuing to hope and be patient in suffering. Be grateful if we are allowed to struggle, because that is what makes us depend on the Lord and what makes us withstand the test. The key is just to keep hoping and being patient.
That is my story. I hope it can be a blessing to your faith.

Reflection: Hoping and Patient in Suffering

God has appointed everything
Everything has its time
But, often I ask,
When is the time?

Our lives are full of self-struggle
Who can understand it?
Our own lives are full of mystery
Who can uncover it?

Yet, let us learn
To surrender to the Lord
Hope and be patient
In enduring suffering.

One thing we need to know
Is that everything is beautiful in its time
Our faithful God
Leads the way of life until the end.

Everything brings goodness
For those who love the Lord
In everything there is kindness
And the grace of God
Let us learn
To surrender ourselves
Hope and be patient
To the Lord.