A Theological Reflection
in the Midst of the Soul’s Dark Night
Jeffrey Lim, B.Comp, M.C.S.
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21. Testimony II: My Struggle with Mental Disorder (1998 -- 2008)
"Fundamentally, all humans are the same. We belong to the same humanity, and we are broken. We all have hearts that are wounded and fragile. Each one of us needs to feel valued and understood; we all need help." – Jean Vanier
Generally, humans dislike weakness, fragility, vulnerability, and deficiency. That is a fact. Most of us prefer to be strong, healthy, and abundant. And that is normal, natural, and in line with human common sense. Humans clearly do not like to be ill, whether physically or mentally, or to experience sickness in mind and emotion. That's why physical or mental disabilities are seen as a significant deficiency or weakness. Aging and the degeneration that comes with it are also seen as frightening and something many people try to avoid or deny. The phenomenon of seeking anti-aging is a human phenomenon of not wanting to be displaced by weakness, aging, and transience. Most people prefer youth, filled with young passion, adventure, and strength. However, in this imperfect world, the reality of weakness, deficiency, injury, disability, and illness is an inescapable condition. It is a fact that every human being is on a journey towards death (aging). Suffering, complaints, and tears are parts that every human must experience if we are honest in acknowledging it.
I, Jeffrey Lim, as a person with a mental illness, also struggle with physical weakness, vulnerability, and fragility of life. With this illness, my mental and emotional state can easily become chaotic when triggered by something. My physical condition can suddenly weaken and require a lot of rest. This is certainly not a comfortable condition when we want to do something or accomplish many things. My feelings can be so gripped when anxiety comes haunting. And, it doesn't just come into the mind, but also brings pain to the body. The body becomes tense, overly vigilant, and sweaty. Memories can become unclear, blurred, and fragmented. The mood is so distressing and the soul feels torn apart. The presence of strangers can feel like a threat, making it impossible for me to see others as fellow humans deserving of love, but rather as something to be wary of. Then, often there are feelings of guilt and shame -- not caused by sinning, but because of common small mistakes -- that can make me feel stupid and worthless. I do not understand why I often experience this. The solution offered by psychiatrists is to take tranquilizers (anti-psychotics) and anti-mania medication (for bipolar disorder).
In my long struggle with this mental illness, it was clear at first that I did not like the reality that I had this illness and because of that, I had to take medication. From the experience of grappling with this disease, I came to understand why many people dislike feeling weak and having an illness. It is an unpleasant experience and far from comfortable. Illness is a disruption or obstacle that prevents us from being successful in the general view. It can also impede career and life joy, which we often value based on the physical aspect.
Having struggled with mental illness for quite some time, I often meet people who have the same struggles, both directly and indirectly. When meeting with sufferers of depression, Bipolar, or other mental illnesses, I observe and listen to them as we share life stories. Often, they also express their complaints to me. Generally, their complaints are about the illness they suffer and its effects, such as: "Why do I become weak?" "Why do I become unproductive?", "Why do I always want to sleep?" "Why, when I used to be so energetic and often engaged in activities, have I become like this?" "Why do I have to take medication?" "Why do I feel depressed?" "Why are my thoughts and feelings chaotic?" "Why am I anxious?" "Why do I often feel chest tightness?" "Why have I gained weight?" "Why can't I sleep?" And there are many more questions.
Individuals with mental illness generally dislike taking psychiatric medications. I think the reasons might be because: 1.) They do not understand the nature of mental illness that requires medical treatment. 2.) They refuse to accept the reality of being affected by a mental illness due to still having an idealized view of themselves and not being able to accept the reality of being ill. 3.) Many of them dislike the side effects of psychiatric medications, as these can make one feel weak and lack enthusiasm, but also have side effects that cause weight gain.
I fully understand that it is not easy to accept the reality of being ill, weak, fragile, vulnerable, and flawed. I myself once struggled heavily to accept the reality that I was ill.
In 1998, around the time of the monetary crisis in Indonesia, I began to suffer from mental illness and started taking psychiatric medication, namely Risperdal (an anti-psychotic). At that time, I was studying at the Reformed Indonesia Theological Seminary (STTRI). Coincidentally, STTRI had just opened, and I was among the first batch of students. Along with my classmates and lecturers, we endeavored to build a community within the Reformed Institute campus. This campus itself was like a house and a tent for shelter when I experienced mental disturbances. I am truly grateful for the fellowship with friends in Christ who strengthened me, as we often prayed together and ate instant noodles together. Even though I had a mental illness, I felt accepted, loved, and safe while I was there. The Reformed Institute founded by Rev. Dr. Stephen Tong was a community for honing and shaping one another, and also a meaningful place for me. The experience of being in the Reformed Institute community will always remain a sweet and warm memory for me.
However, in 1999, after studying for two semesters at the Reformed Institute, I had to take an academic leave and go to Sydney, Australia. My parents arranged for me to have a refreshing holiday in Australia, hoping it would heal me.
I went to Sydney and stayed at the house of Kukuh (my father's younger brother). After some time there, I ended up continuing my education by taking a Diploma program at the Insearch Institute of Commerce in Information Technology. At the end of my first semester, I was surprised to receive high distinction grades. When I got these good grades, I began to think, "Do I really have a mental illness? Do I really need psychiatric medications? How can I be mentally ill if my grades are high? Why should I take medication again if I have already recovered?" These were my thoughts, which led me to decide to stop taking the medication. This arrogant attitude, feeling healthy, led me to take a fatal step: stopping the medication. Because, fundamentally, I disliked the reality that I was sick and had to take medication.
One semester passed, and then in the second semester, I started feeling something strange in myself and my thoughts. I became more active in activities and took excessive extracurriculars outside of Insearch, UTS. I attended various seminars on philosophy, music, etc. My involvement in these activities made my thoughts and life increasingly disoriented. In my mind, there was a lot of anxiety and chaos. Actually, this was a symptom that my illness was reemerging after I stopped taking the medication.
I also often felt anxious and would walk around aimlessly. Once, I went to the beach and waded into the water up to my waist, which damaged my cellphone. Another time, I wore a raincoat even though it wasn't raining and wore a woman's watch I had bought, which fell off while I was walking. I searched for the watch everywhere, but when I found and picked it up, the police, who saw my strange behavior, suspected me of stealing the watch. Even though I said it was my watch, the police still suspected me of theft and interrogated me. I had to face court, which added to my anxiety and fear.
During that tumultuous time, the University helped and referred me to a psychiatrist named Dr. Ben Teoh from Malaysia. Dr. Ben Teoh diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Disorder and prescribed psychiatric medications. He gave me Zyprexa (an antipsychotic) and Effexor (an antidepressant). I had to meet with him every month to monitor my mental health progress. Meanwhile, the school also provided a skilled lawyer to help me with the watch theft accusation. Thankfully, I was eventually found not guilty and allowed to keep the watch.
In short, by God's grace and providence, I graduated from the University of Technology Sydney with a Bachelor of Computing in 2002.
At the end of 2002, I returned to Indonesia. At that time, my mother suggested that I no longer needed to take medication and should not fear a relapse. She assumed that since I no longer had the heavy burden of studies, nothing bad would happen if I stopped taking psychiatric drugs. "You won't go mad," that was her opinion at the time.
Reflecting on this, I think my mother was also struggling to accept my weakness and projected that I would certainly be healthy. Naturally, we do not like to be burdened or to be weak. We all want to be healthy and strong. On the other hand, it must be acknowledged that the psychiatric drugs I was taking were expensive. One tablet of Zyprexa cost about 50,000 rupiah at the time, and in 2015 I had to take one tablet daily. Moreover, the drug had side effects, including weight gain. As a former nature enthusiast, I naturally had a lean and agile body for mountain climbing. However, Zyprexa made me lethargic and increased my appetite significantly. Who would like this situation? That's why my mother wanted me to stop taking these medications. At that time, I agreed too. We truly lacked understanding of mental illness and did not learn from my previous experience that people with mental illness do need to take medication.
I then stopped taking psychiatric medications at the beginning of 2003. At that time, I had registered at SAAT (Southeast Asia Bible Seminary). I was accepted, and six months later, I joined SAAT.
After stopping the medication for six months, my mental condition started to deteriorate again. Due to the increasing disorientation and chaotic emotions, I had to leave SAAT to get treatment. I only studied there briefly. Pdt. Paul Gunadi, a well-known Christian counselor at SAAT, said that I could not serve as a servant of God in the church with my illness. He believed my mental illness made me sensitive to changes in others and prone to paranoia. This condition meant I could not handle pressure. Church service involving many people would not suit me. Mr. Paul Gunadi then suggested I work behind the scenes, where I could feel more calm and comfortable.
After returning from SAAT Malang, my illness worsened, and I had to be admitted to Hurip Waluyah Hospital in Karangtineung, Bandung, for treatment. The doctor serving me was Dr. Agus Saeman, who was the director of Immanuel Hospital at the time. He was a kind doctor who paid great attention to his patients.
The process of accepting the reality that I am mentally ill has been a long journey. From all these experiences, I actually wanted to show one thing: humans find it difficult to accept the reality of fragility, vulnerability, and weakness. We prefer to be strong, powerful, full of energy, and invulnerable. We do not like to accept the reality of being weak, vulnerable, and fragile. And, that causes conflict within ourselves, which only makes the condition worse and increases dissatisfaction within us.
After being treated at Hurip Waluyah, I returned home and met with Rev. Joseph Tong. By him, I was guided and given the opportunity to serve at STTB (Bandung Theological High School) to edit books and create academic programs (programming). In the early days of doing this service, I often felt drowsy and fell asleep. Once, while at Mr. Joseph Tong's office, I spilled coffee on the desk because I felt weak, sleepy, and even fell asleep.
At that time, I came to STTB every 8 am and went home after lunchtime, at 12. By God's grace, I finally finished editing a testimony book from a woman who suffered from kidney failure and also completed the programming work from the academic program. After returning from STTB, I usually did nothing at home and rested a lot. My condition at that time did not allow me to be as productive as most people.
News about my condition reached the ears of Rev. Dr. Stephen Tong. Then, as the founder of STTRI, he called me and my mother to meet him. After we talked, Mr. Tong told me to stay at the Reformed Institute. He said that if I felt better, I could continue my studies at STTRI. His statement certainly gave me encouragement. I really wanted to continue learning at the theological school.
In 2005, with improving conditions, I started my theological studies at STTRI again. At that time, I was placed in the same room with Ko Toni Afandi, who was my classmate. Ko Toni, with his brotherly love, greatly strengthened me at that time.
Day by day, my condition got better along with the medication I took. This fact should have made me realize that I needed medication. I also spent my time outside lectures reading theological books and the Bible. Those times were also beautiful moments where I could take shelter in the spiritual tent by reading the Bible and various books extensively. Every Tuesday, along with my ministry friends, we often went to Husada Hospital to preach the Gospel to the sick. At that time, I often became the driver and drove an L-300 car.
I attended and enjoyed each theological lecture one by one. Some of the lessons that impressed me were the Old Testament course taught by the expert, Mrs. Ev. Inawaty Teddy, M.Th., theology history by Ko Billy Kristanto—who is now serving as a pastor—also Christian Philosophy by Ko Yadi (Rev. Yadi Sampurna Lima). In addition, many lecturers have been a blessing to me, starting from Rev. Stephen Tong, Mr. Joshua Lie, Mr. Yung Tik Yuk, Mr. Hendra G. Mulia, Mr. Yohan Candrawasa, and other lecturers.
With my condition improving, on one occasion I was asked by Rev. Nico Ong to do a 2-month ministry practice in Taiwan. That 2-month ministry practice then continued to a 1-year ministry practice. I then served in Taiwan for more than a year, and in China—in Guang Zhou—for 3 months.
The experience of being accepted in service, the increasing density of service activities, and the improvement of my mental condition made me think once again that my condition had improved. I began to fight against my fragile, weak condition that needed medication, wanting to show a strong and formidable self again. I wanted to show others that I had recovered and could overcome my illness. I started to aspire to reach greater heights, instead of realizing and accepting my fragility.
After returning from service in Taiwan and China, I came back to Jakarta. The year 2007 was the time for me to start working on my thesis. The theme of my thesis was the controversy over accepting or rejecting secular psychology. At that time, I was greatly influenced by Jay Adams, who rejected secular psychology, including psychiatry. Jay Adams considered the contributions of psychology and psychiatry as products of sinful and secular people. In his book, "Competent to Counsel," he discussed a reality where many mental hospital patients were not actually physically or biologically ill but were sinful people using illness as an excuse. They did not need medical treatment but needed confrontation and repentance. I was greatly influenced by Jay Adams's thoughts and believed that I was not biologically mentally ill. My illness was a result of my sin. I had to fight my mental illness with hard struggle and by asking for God's grace.
At that time, I was actually naive. My thinking was unbalanced. Mental illness encompasses biological, psychological, social, and spiritual aspects. However, I reduced it all to a mere spiritual problem. Whereas the medical model in psychiatry focuses solely on the biological nature of mental illness requiring medication, Jay Adams's view swung the pendulum to the other extreme, seeing the nature of mental illness as a spiritual issue: sin. All these views are unbalanced in themselves because mental illness is a combination of bio-psycho-social-spiritual issues.
Feeling increasingly healthy, I forgot that the passionate, enthusiastic, and energetic state was not because I was healing. In fact, it was a state where I was entering a hypomanic phase, leading to mania + psychosis. This condition was similar to the one in the year 2000, when I was attending my second semester at Insearch, Australia, and was very active in various seminars and activities without realizing that my life was becoming directionless.
While in a passionate hypomanic state, I was invited to preach more. The sermons seemed to flow easily and with great spirit. However, on the other hand, I encountered many obstacles in my thesis because the thoughts taken from Jay Adams were considered too unbalanced. At that time, a servant of God also asked me to reduce the dose of my psychiatric medication gradually. With the pressure of life due to the increasing burden of service, reducing medication dosage, and various problems I experienced, I relapsed into mania + psychosis (delusion) and was hospitalized again.
The treatment I underwent this time was more severe, as I had to move between different facilities, starting from Prima Harapan Cibiru, moving to Hurip Waluyah Hospital, and finally to Grahita. At Prima Harapan Cibiru, I did not feel better because I refused to take medication, and the same happened at Hurip Waluyah. Finally, at Grahita, with more meticulous care from Dr. Lukas Kabul and Mrs. Emi, I had to come to terms with my fragility and weakness, which required the consumption of psychiatric medications.
With various experiences from 1998 to 2008, where I had recurrent mental illness, I eventually reached a point of accepting the reality of my weakness, vulnerability, and fragility. Like most people, I found it difficult to accept the reality of being weak, dependent, and in need of help from others and medically. Many people have an ideal concept that they must be a superman or megalomaniac, immune and strong. It is hard for us to accept that we are not as strong as we imagine. It is difficult for us to embrace the reality that fragility is part of our humanity. Yet, fullness in life does not mean being perfect. On the contrary, fullness in life happens when we are able to embrace our brokenness as an integral part of life.
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