"Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me."
(Psalm 51:7)

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in His day;
And there have I, as vile as he,
Washed all my sins away.
(Hymn There is a Fountain – William Cowper)

Every story has a beginning. Certainly, the story of my life was already written by God before the creation of the world because He is the one who plans my life according to His will. However, my human story in the dimension of time began when my mother struggled to have a son. This is the beginning of my life story.

At that time, my mother already had two daughters. Nevertheless, she longed to have a son. She asked God for a son who could be used to serve Him and not become evil. Coincidentally, the words for evangelist (cuan dao) and villain (qiang dao) in Mandarin share the same last three letters, although their meanings are quite opposite. God answered my mother's prayers. She became pregnant, and I was given the name En, which in Mandarin means grace.
Ironically, before I could become a conduit of grace, I had to first be a little villain. Why? Because, as a child, I was very naughty. I was mischievous and often disturbed others. Like a little terrorist, that was the kind of mischief I was into at that time. And it was not just the mischievousness of a child, but the sinful nature that humans inherit as original sin from Adam.

As a child, I was very cheerful and active. However, behind that, there were struggles I hid and could not express. I often felt lonely, isolated, and stressed. At that time, I hardly felt parental affection, especially from my father.

At that time, my father worked in my grandfather's factory next to our house. He was skillful and intelligent but had a very hard character. When I was naughty, I often received harsh punishments from my father. These punishments were often too severe and left emotional scars. Words like, "You're stupid!" often spoken by my father became a deep wound in my soul. This wound deepened because sometimes my father also disciplined me with physical violence. Later, I came to understand why my father was so strict. Apart from his character, at that time my father was also under pressure for being the son of a factory owner. I myself deserved to be reprimanded (although it could have been done in a better way) because of my mischief.

When I started school, I was enrolled in Saint Joseph Kindergarten, Sukajadi, Bandung. On the first day of school, my hand was already bleeding from breaking a school window. Because I did not want to be separated from my mother, I rebelled to the point of smashing a window. With a bandaged hand and a sad heart, I cried on that first day. That certainly was not a good start for a child to begin his days in kindergarten.

But it did not stop there. A few days later, I mischievously urinated on a classmate. Of course, the child cried and reported it to the teacher and parents. My naughty behavior was certainly not just child's play.

While in kindergarten, I also did not like to socialize with other children. I had my own world and was isolated from the others. I often ran around, played in the sand, and played on the swings and climbing frames in the kindergarten yard alone. One thing I distinctly remember is that from a young age I was very dirty and did not pay attention to personal hygiene.
When I entered elementary school at Saint Joseph, Sukajadi, Bandung, my mother was often called to school because of my negligence. Academically I did not have much trouble, but I was often careless. Careless about bringing books, not paying attention in class, and having issues with neatness and cleanliness. Essentially, I violated many things that fell under school discipline issues. This was not a trivial matter. Because, in addition to being related to concentration issues, it also concerned self-image problems.

Aside from being dirty, my handwriting was also messy. This enraged my elementary math teacher who frequently called me to the front of the class. I was scolded for my handwriting and nicknamed "chicken" because my writing looked like chicken scratches. This nickname has been remembered by my elementary friends to this day. I remember feeling like I had been struck by lightning when I was called to the front and heard my classmates laughing. Why? Because it felt like a flashback of the times when my father would scold me loudly. Only this time, the loud voice wasn't from my father, but from the teacher and my classmates. That was when I felt hurt again, but with a different nuance. I felt publicly humiliated in front of everyone for being laughed at due to my weakness. I grew increasingly ashamed of myself. However, my mischief during elementary school certainly did not stop there. There were many other things I did during that time.

Oh yes, at that time I also liked to keep many animals, ranging from chickens, ducks, geese, birds, and their kin. I cared for and genuinely nurtured these animals. If a kitten ate a chick, I would be furious with that cat. You can guess what might have happened to that cat in my hands. I also often cared for sick chickens, treated them, and tried to heal those that looked unwell. Looking back, it's actually quite funny. Besides having the nickname "chicken" in class, I really liked this animal, hahaha….

Thankfully, despite being a naughty child, God still blessed me with the grace to know Him through my mother who took all her children to church. It was in church that I often heard about Jesus. I remember when attending Sunday school at GII Hok Im Tong, there was a song that often moved me when sung, "Purify My Heart." Hearing this song, I often felt that my life was dirty and needed to be purified. I felt dirty not because of the dirty and unhygienic habits I practiced, but because I was spiritually sinful before a holy God.

Throughout elementary school, I really liked to seek attention, both from teachers and friends. I also hung out with naughty children more often. In the fourth grade, I met an old friend (still a distant relative) who then became my partner in classroom mischief. At that time, I was quite proud to behave like that. But what was there to boast of all that vanity? Deep inside me, there was a feeling of emptiness, guilt, and shame about myself. Later, I realized that this feeling was actually a sign that even then, I needed the grace of God in the Gospel of Christ.

Before entering junior high school, my academic grades in fifth and sixth grade improved rapidly. Because I often caused chaos in the fourth grade, my father disciplined me more often. Besides scolding me, he also beat me. Paradoxically, this made me smarter. Now, I can appreciate the strict discipline my father applied. Because if he had not disciplined me then, my future in school would have been very bleak. The Bible itself states that a rod and parental discipline are useful and good. Nevertheless, the discipline from my father often felt too harsh for me.

With my father's discipline, plus being inspired and interested in a smart girl in the fifth grade, my grades improved. Then, in the sixth grade, I attended a revival meeting led by Rev. Stephen Tong which slightly changed my life. At that time, my school grades improved. The elementary teacher who once nicknamed me "chicken" changed and often gave me Silverqueen chocolate because of my rapidly improving grades. However, at that time I didn't feel that my parents were proud of my improving school grades. That achievement was actually only able to slightly cover the shame of my shortcomings, although not fundamentally to the soul. Indeed, only the Gospel of Christ can cover my shame and guilt. Then, with good grades, I was able to enter Aloysius 1 Morning Junior High School. For your information, at that time, if an elementary graduate managed to enter Aloysius Morning Junior High, it was certain that their academic grades were very good.

My junior high time was more or less the same as elementary. I was still negligent and often did not pay attention in class, and it even got worse. I almost never did the homework given by the teachers. Whenever there was homework, I would copy my friend's work. Even to organize school books, I was too lazy to do it. I usually just carried one large bag containing all books. I thought it was practical because that way I didn't need to organize books every day. Every time there was a test, I always cheated and almost never studied for exams. And, this continued until high school. In class, I was often punished by teachers from various subjects. I did it because I wanted to attract the attention of friends and teachers. I also often joked and played the clown in class. When my soul felt empty, the laughter of friends responding to my jokes was like a drop of saltwater trying to quench the thirst of my soul longing for God's love. Therefore, I can understand why a comedian can feel lonely and empty, even though he often laughs and makes jokes.

My attention-seeking behavior also happened when I was in 9th grade. I loved to change seats with my friends, even though the teacher had assigned seating for each student. Of course, the teacher punished us with 10 push-ups. But instead of learning our lesson, the next day we would change seats again. The teacher then punished us with 20 push-ups. The same incident repeated the next day, and the teacher increased our push-up count to 100. This surely caused chaos in the class, although I enjoyed it. Eventually, our teacher couldn't take it anymore and punished both of us. When asked why I did it, my answer was short and honest: I just wanted to do push-ups. The whole class laughed at that. Essentially, I wanted to be seen as a hero for being able to do 100 push-ups, even earning the nickname "push-up king". If I look deeper, I did all this because I wanted to experience the sensation of being punished and the pride that came with it. But what was the point of all these vanities? My heart still felt empty. Behind all those sensations, there was also a feeling of shame for being incompetent and guilt for defying authority.

When I was in 10th grade, I joined an outdoor lovers' organization, SAMANTA. Due to my mischievousness, my friends chose me to be the head of the 12th generation of nature lovers. High school became the time when I had a very close friendship with my fellow nature lovers. Then, I started to fall in love with a friend. With the emptiness I felt, I started needing someone to share my stories with. From elementary to high school, no one understood my struggles. Then, there was this girl who listened to me. Our relationship was close, though we did not date. I liked her and hoped to become her partner. It was an unrealistic thought, but at that time I was very serious, not playing around. Of course, I didn't realize that I was still too naive, maybe because I watched too many romantic Chinese martial arts movies.

One day, the girl decided that we should just stay friends. Gradually, she distanced herself from me. I was heartbroken. I would daydream in class, drawing her face, and my disregard for school grew worse. Although my academic grades were not too bad, my soul was troubled. I started to get addicted to playing computer games until late at night, even falling into the sin of pornography. "O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?" (Romans 7:24). My struggles with lust and pornography made me feel guilty, ashamed, and disgusted with myself. It was very disturbing psychologically.

On the other hand, my parents were also often in conflict. My father seemed to bring a tense atmosphere home more frequently, stressed especially after my grandfather's factory closed, leaving debts for the family. My father became increasingly angry. The unconducive home atmosphere, combined with my troubled inner turmoil, led to a dark night of the soul for me. I was under a lot of stress at that time. I frequently had nightmares, and they continued. Sometimes I also experienced sleep paralysis, a transitional condition when a person temporarily cannot move, react, or speak while falling asleep or upon waking. At night or early in the morning, I would suddenly wake up unable to move my body, but with my eyes open. When I finally could move, I felt very tired and sweated a lot.

What about my spiritual life at the time? Clearly, I was not a righteous person with the many problems and mistakes I made. There were many life struggles I had to go through because of these issues.

Thankfully, in 1996 I had the opportunity to attend a Christian Faith Development Seminar by Rev. Stephen Tong. The theme at that time was "The Holy Spirit, the Voice of Conscience, and the Devil". I felt very blessed in that seminar. I even still remember the first line of the hymn "Song of Solomon" composed by Tong when it was sung: "Oh Lord, quickly pull me to follow You, my heart is united with You!".

When Mr. Tong called many to become servants of God during the altar call, I was deeply moved. I felt that it was a path in life that would not end in vain. In his sermon, Mr. Tong laid out the Gospel -- which I saw with the eyes of faith at that moment -- as the answer to human life. The Gospel truly has the power to grace human life, reconcile humans with God, and make us a new creation. This is what I was searching for. This is the path to salvation. Christ becomes the answer to all the problems of human life lived in sin. I need the Gospel, and I also want to proclaim the Gospel to those struggling in sin so they may know the Lord and be saved. I could not resist this inevitable grace and so I stepped forward to dedicate myself to become a servant of God at that SPIK event.

Since then, I have been diligent in reading spiritual and theological books. I also served as a Sunday school teacher in the ministry of Rev. Hanna Tjahja -- who is also my spiritual mother -- at GII Hok Im. She is someone whom God used to pray for our family and be a blessing to our family.

In 1998, at the age of 18, I graduated from high school. Actually, at that time, I had already been accepted to the Faculty of Economics at Parahyangan University (UNPAR) to continue my undergraduate studies. However, I then decided to enter theological school. Because I often felt blessed while attending faith development from the Reformed Evangelical Church brought by Rev. Joshua Lie, Rev. Hendra G. Mulia, Rev. Yung Tik Yuk, and other pastors each month, I decided to enter the Reformed Theological Seminary.

In 1998, a severe monetary crisis occurred in Indonesia. At the same time, my father also did not approve of my decision to enter the theological school. He was furious with a loud tone at me almost every day because of that decision. Even until the day my father took me to the seminary, throughout the 3-hour journey from Bandung to Jakarta via Puncak, I was incessantly scolded. When we arrived at the Reformed Institute, Sunter, my father yelled at me, "Go there!" At that time, I felt like I was thrown out and expelled from the house. As I entered the building of the Reformed Institute while carrying my suitcase and other belongings, my mind wandered and my concentration was shattered leaving me. I was stressed. However, the grace of God never remained silent to catch me.

I will continue the story in the next chapter. But before that, I invite us to reflect on the song by William Cowper, There is a Fountain. Let us reflect, especially from the lyrics of the second verse, which tells of the beautiful salvation grace received by the criminal beside the Lord Jesus on the cross. In His deepest suffering, the Lord Jesus still provided His redemption grace so that the criminal was saved and justified before God. This is an extraordinary grace for great sinners. And, of course, Jesus also died for you and me.

Let the redeeming love of God always be the theme of our lives. Amen!

There is a Fountain

There is a fountain filled with blood,
Drawn from Immanuel’s veins,
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains:

Lose all their guilty stains,
Lose all their guilty stains;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains.

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in His day;
And there have I, though vile as he,
Washed all my sins away:

Washed all my sins away,
Washed all my sins away;
And there have I, though vile as he,
Washed all my sins away.

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood
Shall never lose its pow’r,
Till all the ransomed church of God
Are safe, to sin no more:

Are safe, to sin no more,
Are safe, to sin no more;
Till all the ransomed church of God
Are safe, to sin no more.

E’er since by faith I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply,
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be till I die:

And shall be till I die,
And shall be till I die;
Redeeming love has been my theme,
And shall be till I die.

When this poor, lisping, stamm’ring tongue
Lies silent in the grave,
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save:

I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save,
I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save;
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save.